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Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 24

Wednesday June 4 2003

Part Vier Und Zwanzig: Michael is expanding his comedy routine in 2003

Part Vier Und ZwanzigAnother big disappointment in Monaco and perhaps you are guessing some of my thoughts in this direction towards our slowness.

Yes, tyres. Or, as they say in America, tires.

Jean has a very good feeling for rubber and he knows when things are not right in that department. Quite honestly and obviously and honestly and obviously I cannot tell you what he said to Mr. Suganuma of Bridgestone but it was not the big thankings or some pats for his back.

His tyres are making our car look like the Minardi F2003-GA - we have a saying in Germany that it is handling like two ferrets in a large woman's unterwasche - all over the place. Rubens didn't know if his rear chassis was coming or arriving. Of course with five times World Champion car control I was able to make a better fist of myself.

It was not such a good end to a good weekend of good feelings and nice experiences. I love Monaco because there is so much glamour, the sun is shining, the surroundings are beautiful and the fans are beautiful too. In fact it is always the complete opposite of Silverstone, which is the least glamorous, where it is always raining and the fans all look like Nigel Mansell. Even the grid girls.

It is times like Monaco when I wonder if I too should get a yacht. My little brother had one for a while but found he was not using it so much and now no longer plays the sailor. Which is not true of Eddie Irvine. He loves to have beautiful girls draped up him and his Anaconda.

I heard him say he would still like to drive for Jordan, but I think the last thing the team need is someone telling them how crap their car is each grand prix weekend. The new Firman guy juts smiles and talks without moving his lips which is a much more entertaining thing to do.

On the grid there were some great footballers to be seen. Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Rio Ferdinand, me. Willi has said that if I drive two more seasons for Ferrari beyond 2004 I could buy my own Premier League, Serie A or Bundesliga side, but I am still not sure this is when I will be driving.

I must tell you also of a funny incident involving Ross Brawn and myself, I am looking out of the garage to see a display of dairy products he is telling me about. "No," he said, "I said there were some big cheeses from the FIA..."

Are you laughing yet?

I have creased myself thinking this one up and it is all in my bid to become 50% funnier in 2003.

Already we had my famous joke after the Austrian Grand Prix - which I thought up during the last five laps of the race. You know, the one where I said that the team thought I was a little bit cool, so they set my car on fire. Remember it? I bet you're using it yourself.

Lieblings doughnut said I was even funnier than Niki Lauda now.

One final thing that puzzles me. Max Mosley - is he mad? He is coming on the big strong argumenting bloke in the bierkeller and threatening Renault if they do not agree to supply two teams next year. How can they do this? There are seven teams that produce engines - Ferrari, Jaguar, Mercedes, Renault, Toyota, BMW and Honda - so that means 14 teams.

We only have 10 teams and only room for a grid of 24 capacity. Perhaps he wants team to swap engines every race like he suggested for drivers.

To Canada next where we normally do a good race and spend a lot of time laughing at Jacques Villeneuve when he breaks down. This will be my chance to take the lead of the Drivers' title. It is also nice to look at the beavers. Canada is full of them and one can often spy them from Ile Notre Dame.

Who says my column is just comedy, you get nature tips too.

<< Part 23  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 25 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).