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Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 33

Thursday April 15 2004

33: Part Drei und Dreizig

Exclusive! Planet-F1 brings you the secret thoughts of the greatest driver ever to walk the planet and do a passable impersonation of Celine Dion into the bargain.

Greetings to my gloriously tumescent tifosi! I am sure you are swelling with pride when you have seen my three special victories in 2004.

And everyone predicted this was not going to be my year at all. Well ha! They did not count on my secret weapon for the new season - yes, the charm bracelet given to me by lieblings donut pudgie wudgie face. Many are reporting that I needed it before the Bahrain race and this is true - without it I probably would have been...well, first by only a couple of seconds perhaps.

This was an interesting race of course, the first time in a dessert. Or from my viewpoint in the car, the first time in a small limestone quarry.

One great vision I will take from Bahrain is the sight of Ross hugging tiny Jean Todt as they walked towards me down the pitlane. It was a bit like Gandalph from Lord of the Rings with a small hobbit.

Reviewing the tapes after the dessert race I cannot believe how stupid Ralf was in trying to get past Sato... like he was in some kind of fairground dodgems bumper car. He would have taken the rear bumper off a Fiat Cinquecento let along a full-size F1 car. Willi has said to me confidentially that if he gets Ralf a new paid contract of any kind for 2005 he will be lucky.

Of course he tells Ralf he is negotiating with all the team bosses, but really he is back in the Ferrari motorhome doing his hair. By the way I should mention, I have told him that if he manages to keep the same hairstyle (his George Michael from Wham! 1982) for 25 years he stands a good chance of taking over from Bernie - not long to go now.

I almost feel sorry for my old adversaries at McLaren after the start to the season they have had. Nobody brings charcoal to grands prix any more, if someone wants a barbecue they just have to wait for the 8th or 9th lap of the race - ho ho ho. McLaren, I'm lovin' it.

And Kimi is not exactly the ice man any more judging from his attitude to the marshals who are always very kindly extinguishing his car before the end of the race. Actually before the first pit-stops - ho ho ho.

Ross is enjoying very much in saying that the big Championship threat comes from BAR-Honda now. After which he has to struggle to keep a straight face.

Now, in my bible of motorsport weekly, The Autosport, they are having a very funny new hilarious feature called, 'What we are talking about in The Office'. Which is a very funny TV programme about a guy who looks like Nigel Stepney. Strangely this was on television a few years ago but it seems to me the Autosporters have only just started watching it.

My own attempts at comedy I will not repeat. You may remember that my goal was to become 30% funnier through the 2002 season, which honestly I am not quite achieving at a consistent rate. Yes, on occasions I was reaching up to 40 or 45% bigger laughs through a GP race weekend, but then I was having a few DNFs when my jokes fell the wrong way. But at least I am funnier than Jarno Trulli who is about as funny as an attack of diarrhoea on the warm-up lap.

Now I am going off to eat a lovey yoghurt desert. In San Marino we will honour the memory of Ayrton. This is a race I will win for my old sparring partner. After three races, who would bet against me?

<< Part 32  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 34 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).