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Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 37

Saturday October 02 2004

37: Part Sieben und Dreizig: Planet-F1 presents the secret diary of the World's greatest F1 driver and all round Uber-Sportsman, Herr Michael Schumacher.

Hello my obviously distressed and fairly disgusted tifosi chums.

Your Schumster is very sorry that he put you through the Chinese motor torture at the Shanghai GP. I can severely promise you that such a miserable result will not be happening again this year.

The only valuable lesson we have been learning from these incidents - apart from to hire the Renault electronics engineer for our softwares in the future - is that I have put to rest all the gossiping rumours that I am not good under pressure. I was under no pressure at all and look what happens!

Now there is a joke in the team that I have to grin through my teeth at. When we are coming up to mealtimes on testing days the mechanics say to me, "Fancy going for a Chinese, Michael?"

It was an interesting race in China for many other aspects. It was the first time I have been asked if I race in red because it is lucky, the first time I have been asked if I will retain my World Champion title a month after I have won it, and the first time I have been asked what CDs I listen to in the car on the way round.

Quite honestly and obviously Bernie has not done a very good job of informing the Chinese people of what the sport is about. He is probably too busy trying to make money from extra deals. At the same time he is having a big dig at Ferrari before the race saying that we are selfish not wishing to change the qualifying format. But what we have now is not our suggestion. It is he and the F1 largewigs that are creating this format, not the Scuderia. I wonder if he is remembering this.

Perhaps he and his family would be better off going to rugby football with his friend Tom Walkinshaw. Nigel tells me he is very big in Gloucester now. Because she is so tall, Bernie's wife would not make a top class hooker, but I am told he would be just right for the scrummaging - short, compact, aggressive and good at grabbing people's balls - which I believe is half of the game.

And talking on the subject, there is deep mystery about Jean Todt's announcings about his relationship with actress Michelle Yeoh who starred in a James Bond film I have not seen. First he is announcing that they are engaged and then she is saying no, that is not true. Jean is normally much better at denying things than telling people information. No wonder he feels uncomfortableness.

I have heard unkind people say that their relationship is like the frog and the princess. She kissed him and he changed into a different Scuderia Marlboro Ferrari jumper.

Quite honestly and obviously the thing Jean is always denying is the fact that your Schu will be retiring soon. If it is a bad year in 2005 - maybe then. If it is a good year, then the end of 2006. But maybe I surprise everybody.

One of the things I could be doing more of when I stop racing is acting roles. I have been getting some nice compliments on my latest starring role in the Vodafone mobile advert where I am looking bored at a bus-stop and frowning when the bus is coming late. Then I am looking bored doing long spells of paper work at a desk. Lieblings donut pudgie wudgie face has said it is my greatest advert so far - better even than the one where Luca Badoer beats me at the F1 racing game using my Vodafone mobile.

The actor playing James Bond - Pierced Bronson - is almost old enough to be my father, so I believe I have time to play some roles in the future. How about this:

"The name's Schumi, Michael Schumi, I like my high-energy protein drink blended, not stirred." Of course, I would say the lines, not write the dialogue, even though that is pretty good..

However for now we have a season to complete and it is on to Suzuka where I had, in Nigel Stepney's words, "a bit of a horse" last year. Or he could have said "mare". This year will be very different and I will win from the front. That is a promise dedicated tifosi followers. Your Schu is longing to make it back to the top step where he belongs. As they say in Japan, Forza! Forza! Forza!

<< Part 36  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 38 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).