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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 39

Wednesday December 08 2004

39: Part Neun und Dreizig: Planet-F1 presents the secret diary of the World's greatest F1 driver and all round Uber-Sportsman, Herr Michael Schumacher...

Almost Christmas greetings to you my adoring tifosi playthings.

It's the season to be jolly happy and as I sit here surrounded by my lovely family, lovely house and lovely seven-times World Champion memorabilia - what great Christmas presents they make - I thought I would update you on what your Schumi has been up to in the very considerable time since I wrote of you last.

No doubt you are reading in the paper that I am being beaten by the Finnish driver Heikki Kovaleinen in the Race of Champions in Paris last weekend. Quite honestly and obviously he didn't read his contract properly, especially the bit where it said M.Schumacher will win the event by order of the organisers, or else big trouble.

Heh heh heh, a little Christmas joking there, of course they are not writing this into the contract, that is just a Ferrari clause.

Another piece of news that you will probably have heard about is my brother's ridiculous investment in a chain of sex shops. I don't want to say bad things about the imbecilic dumpkopf, but mein gott! Patrick Head said that after drivers suffer a major concussion like Ralf had at Monza testing for Williams in 2003, that they are often not the same again, and now I see that he is so very right.

I blame that poisonous, wrinkled flirtbag of an old village bike that he married for trying to use his money in this way. Perhaps she wanted to use this to advertise her own brand of rubber and leatherware - Hard Cora. Or maybe she loved getting the free samples a little too much.

Incidentally, you can buy at quite a reasonable price a commemorative cap with the very touching words, Michael Schumacher, Seven Times World Champion. An ideal stocking filler. Normal stockings, of course, not pervy fishnets with rude writing that are saying things like 'spank me good' and 'fluff my muff'. That is quite honestly and obviously disgusting.

It was funny to read in the paper Hans Stuck criticising Kimi Raikkonen for going on a drinks bending session in Tenerife and losing his legs. Hans is saying that Michael Schumacher would not do such a thing. This is not true at all. I have had my own share of outrageous behaviour that is thankfully going unreported in the daily gossip papers.

After my fourth World Championship I can remember going back to the Ferrari motorhome and having two halves of lager and lime with Jean Todt and getting completely wrecked and on top of my tree. I was a wildman that night, oh yes, my last vision as I staggered out of the door to be driven back to my hotel, was that I had not left the towels in the bathroom straight.

I did write to Ferrari and apologise afterwards, though, and nothing further was said.

As we approach Christmas, apart from looking for suitable presents - such as a signed 1:43 model Ferrari, part of the Michael Schumacher Collection - it is a time of many awards ceremony. The FIA award dinner is always the best one to go to. This year I am meeting properly for the first time Jenson Button's girlfriend Louise.

I have to admit that both Kimi and DC have good taste in this department, but there is something special in the eyes of Louise. She has everything a boy could wish for and made me curiously tongue-tied and nervous.

It did not help that Jenson started talking about trophies and having to buy a trophy cabinet after this season. I told them that naturally I have a very large one and they both fell about laughing all over the place as though I was making a funny joke. Then I said, "Would you like to see my trophy cabinet some time?" and they both doubled in hysterics so much that they could not speak for several minutes. What is it with the English sense of humour.

This Christmas, as usual, I will be spending in Norway with Jos Verstappen and his family. It is nice to get away to a snowy environment and spend a traditional Christmas doing the same old things - sledging, having snowball fights and toasting marshmallows over a roaring log fire.

Often when I have overdone the toasting of a marshamallow I show it to Jos and say "Look, that's you in the Benetton at Hockenheim, that is," and we both fall about laughing.

Now that's what I call a sense of humour.

Festive fun, my devoted and worshipping tifosi!

<< Part 38  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 40 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).