Skip navigation.

Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 40

Wednesday February 16 2005

40: Part Vierzig

Schumi is back for 2005 and once again Planet-F1 has gained unprecedented access to the secret diary of the world's leading motorport exponent.

Well, my probably slightly worried (but quite honestly there’s no reason to be) tifosi chums.

The new season is becoming ever more closer and all our eyes are focused on the testing times. What have they been telling us these testing times? Well, to use the old Bavarian saying – nothing more than a barrel of old turnips. (Though from the first day at Barcelona I think that Jordan might be better off running a couple of F3000 cars)

You see as usual I have been testing my car with my little wooden wedge stuck firmly underneath the accelerator pedal. Every year this prevents me going too fast before the season starts and making the F1 commentators very excited.

Remember last year. They all thought Kimi Raikkonen was going to be winning the World Championship, or Ralf, or Juan-Pablo. And of course David Coulthard, as usual.

But no, everyone totally underestimated the power of the Schumster and his little wooden wedge. They all thought six would be my limit. But I wanted the joy of seven, not the joy of six. And this season we will be running out of places to put the gold stars when I get eight to put on my new Weltmeister cap.

Yes, even now lieblings doughnut pudgie wudgie face is down at the betting shop in Vufflens Le Chateau seeing what odds she can get on me after my dismal times at Barcelona on February 15th.

However yet again she will be my inspiration for the season. With the new tyre rules limiting us to one set per race I will have to look after them, and preserve them as though they were the delicate feminine curves of lieblings.

Every corner will be like bouncing her wobbly bits across the curve and I will make sure that I kiss and caress them gently as though we were outside in the hot tub.

I am asked - Should Minardi be allowed to start the Australian GP with last year’s car? Of course they should. Provided they also start with last year’s sponsors’ names on it. Paul Stoddart says that he is just too poor to afford to be building a new car. If this is so then why did he pay himself $10 million in 2003. Couldn’t he get some of that back out of the bank? He is not spending it on clothes or personal grooming aids.

I am hearing always that he is in F1 because he is an enthusiast, but quite honestly and obviously there is no fan who makes $10m from their hobby.

He paints us to be the bad guy, fat cat, big gut, greedy guzzlers at Ferrari for striking our own deal with Bernie to get more money than everybody else, but he knows the game. F1 bosses are not known as the Biriani Club for nothing. It’s eat or be eaten.

Ferrari have been in F1 right from the very beginning – well, actually, not the very beginning because Enzo wouldn’t travel to Silverstone, but right from the opening season, 1950. Der Whingemeister has been in F1 less time than Ralf, and he’s only part-time...

One thing that has made me laugh recently is the newspaper stories about Kimi Raikkonen going to a lap dancing club. These dancers were not from Lapland with big woolly jumpers and reindeer outside. What was he doing there? Perhaps he was confused by the sign?

It’s certainly the closest he’s got to pole in a long while!

Also it is a considerably strange when I think about his beautiful wife Jenny. She is indeed so totally gorgeous and breathtaking, why was he not at home adoring her? And let me say again right now, I was NOT, I repeat I was NOT staring at her breasts at the FIA dinner, I was thinking of getting a similar necklace for Corinna and I was simply looking at her jewellery.

So, we stand on the brink of another season in Formula 1. I am looking forward to it, as usual, with a great sense of expectoration. This is only right, it is how I am always feeling at this time of year. It is a long and considerably dangerous journey, the first ever season of 19 races. Why don’t you join me on this great road of destiny, record breaking and a visit to a Turkish sauna?

Forza Scuderia Marlbrough Vodafone Ferrari!

The Schum

<< Part 39  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 41 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).