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Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 8

Part Acht: The Hungaroring is my bedroom

Part AchtI have to say it is with apologies I am giving to you. I was hoping to have finished this latest extract of my most private thoughts for you after Spa, but, as you may well have seen on television, there have been Schumacher family celebrations. My little brother is finally coming out and getting married in public.

I have decided to bury the hatch with his wife, Cora, and will try my hardest to start on a clean piece of paper with her. Terms such as "the crow in a dress" or "that woman" or "hexe miststück" will not be seen in this diary. Corrinna says that I am in some ways slightly possessive of Ralf and that I have to let go. So, I am letting go now - an exclusive for you.

In many ways I still wish that he was dating the lovely English girl he met while at Jordan. Bizarrely, she was called Jordan also. If you are unaware of this, Jordan is a glamorous model, posing for glamorous pictures in newspapers and magazines. I did not know this. Nigel Stepney did - "She's got tremendous norks," he told me, which sounded fascinating.

When I am meeting her for the first time, I said, "Hello, I am Ralf's brother Michael, I believe you have some tremendous norks."

She said, "I beg your pardon."

When she revealed to me that 'norks' was in fact a slang name for titten I turned redder than my Marlboro Ferrari jacket. Ralf was virtually on the floor eating the carpet in hysterics.

Anyway, back to Spa. That was a fun race for me. Before the race I am saying to everyone, Spa is like my living room.

"Spa can't be your living room," said a twinkle-eyed Peter Sauber to me in the Ferrari motorhome. "You wouldn't let 10,000 Belgians camp in your living room."

Which got us talking about the various other circuits of the world and which rooms they would be. In my bid to become 70% funnier in 2002 I have learned to improvise a little.

"Well, Hungary must be my bedroom, because everyone goes to sleep there during the race. And Monza is my private chapel because it is a very special, revered place.

"So where's the toilet?" he asked.

Brazil I answered.

"No," he said, "Where's the toilet in the motorhome?"

Nigel Mansell was at Spa - not looking as fat as usual I thought. Seeing Nigel is often making me think that I would like to have a nickname from the tifosis. Nigel was a big hit with our tifosis who called him Il Leone - the lion, because of his braveness. It is a great name to have. Alain Prost was called The Professor, because of the deep way he is thinking about F1 and how he could undermine his team-mate and get the whole team working for him. Good also. Froilan Gonzalez was known as the Pampas Bull, because he looked like a bull, charged round in his Ferrari 625 and made a lot of noise, apparently.

I have more wins than I can count and I have no nickname. I would really like a suitable nickname before I end my time at Ferrari.

My 10th win in a season was great to achieve at Spa, but something I am also proud of was my first ever Best Man's speech at Little Ralfie's wedding. Though obviously I would say this, I think it was easily the best speech I am ever making. There was a little piece for everyone involved. Ralf, Cora, Mutti, Old Granny Schumacher, Willi, Ralf's boyfriends from his childhood school. I wanted to include them all on this very special day.

Ralf had warned me beforehand not to mention Jordan and the 'funny norks' story, but I said he could trust me on this one. I know when it is and it is not appropriate for comedy.

But I do say that if you have a great gift you must share it, and it would be wasteful not to share my new found gift of comedy timing. I looked over at Ralf and Cora, so happy together, and said it was lovely that my brother should have been blessed with a child so early on in his relationship. Then I pulled a comic face. (So everybody would know the comedy moment was coming up)

But why, I said, WHY did he have to name him after one of my greatest rivals on the Formula 1 track? My nephew is now David Schumacher. I said I was not looking forward to Cora getting pregnant again. If she had twin boys I would no doubt be uncle to Kimi and Juan Schumacher!

Everybody is falling about laughing. I don't know what is more fun right now - winning races or stand-up comedy. Next stop the Ferrari Christmas party.

<< Part 7  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 9 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).