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Formula 1

Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 22

Tuesday April 15 2003

Part Zwei Und Zwanzig: Michael thinks that he's seen crash-happy Fernando Alonso in some of his daughter's Disney videos...

Part Zwei Und ZwanzigGreetings to you sincerely worshiping and still much expectant tifosis.

Yes, I know the first question you are going to ask to me and the answer is a big NO. Quite honestly I do not understand all these allegations. He does not have a bushy moustache, own a leather cap or possess a Pet Shop Boys CD. So this rumour is quite obviously a lie.

He is very happily married and all this talk behind people's hands is most hurtful to Jean. Yes, it is true, he does like to dress up in women's clothes more than other team bosses, (I believe Patrick doesn't do it at all) but that is just his French nature. He is full of the cabaret.

We have had many discussion about the result of the Brazilian GP this week and honestly, I tell you, I am not surprised there is confusion, it is only the human nature. When you have a big accident you all rush to look at it. Am I right or am I totally right?

So when Fernando - I-am-so-stupid-I-make-Jaques-Villeneuve-look-like-a-professor-of-nuclear-physics - Alonso hits the accidental wreckage at full speed, everybody looks to see the crash, no-one is thinking 'this is a good time to check whether Giancarlo Fisichella has crossed the line or not'.

Alonso reminds me of a Disney character, from one of my children's videos we are all sitting down as a family and watching together. He has a big dopey smile like Balou the bear in The Jungle Book, but as my friend Ross has commented, he seems friendly, but there is nothing up the stairs. How can you come across two times waved yellows and not slow down at all.

I have read that Giancarlo and Robo-Kimi are going to be exchanging the trophies at a special ceremony before the San Marino Grand Prix. I know what this will lead to. Every year I have it reminded to me. Damon Hill will write in an article somewhere that he has still not got the trophy he won for the 1994 Belgian Grand Prix.

I won the race but afterwards they discovered that my plank was too much worn down by over-the-kerb moves and I was disqualified. I have said many times and I will go on saying it - if he is prepared to pay for the postage he can have it back any time he likes. But he should know that bubble wrapping is not cheap and that the Swiss postal service charge two arms and three legs for bulky items.

My biggest problem is not to do with races in the past, though. It is quite clearly to do with races in the future with our new Ferrari F2003-GA. It is like the situation you are waiting to get hold of your new, latest puppy. You are sad to see the old dog go because it has given you great service, but you realise that now its time is past and you must move on.

Except our new puppy is not house-trained and we are having to leave it at the vets and get the old dog out one more time.

(I think that works as a good example for you to understand)

Clearly we are experiencing problems with our season so far and after Brazil we had a meeting between Ross, Jean, Paulo, Rubens and me to find out how many black cats we had run over or mirrors we have dropped between us since October. We are all scratching our bottoms to find the right answer.

Lieblings dimple buttocks thinks she knows the answer. I have lost my lucky charm. The one big difference between this season and last season is that we no longer have that moany old Swiss fossil Frau Blucher pretending to clean things at Schumacher Towers. She is the one, you will remember, who complained that I was bringing home too many trophies.

Now, after she has retired, I have brought home nothing.

Quite honestly I think it is a stupid idea to employ the old bone bag again, but how can I say no to Corinna . I know very well that when she gets her teeth round something she does not like to let go. It can be painful to stop her.

It is the greatest possible motivation I can have to win the San Marino Grand Prix before she does anything too speedy. Wish me luck!

<< Part 21  |  Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher  |  Part 23 >>

Disclaimer: I am not the author, but have archived these entries for posterity as I felt that they were so well written by "Michael Schumacher" for Planet-F1 (who have removed almost all of the originals from their website).